@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

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@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@CornOnTheGoblin

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

@MartaEffing

My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.

@andlikelaura

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

@SimonMaloy

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

@ermahgarton

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

@weinerdog4life

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

@LionJenkins

Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?