THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Dads: what times your flight?
Dads: id get there at 8am
My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
god: but small
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!
Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.
911: What’s your emergency?