I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.