I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Ah..makes sense now
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Happy Thanksgiving
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die