Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

peak technology

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?