Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*