I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.