I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
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Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Cannot stop laughing at this
Seek kebab; not attention
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
fr
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child