I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations