I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
when mom throws a party…
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
happy halloween
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.