Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Festive toon…

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

There is wisdom there.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.