I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
the dark web is just a goth google.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.