I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
SONOFA
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Europe. Made in Germany.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?