I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 馃お馃槀
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I鈥檓 trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i鈥檇 love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
people are doing cold plunges and i鈥檓 like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it