I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!