I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.