I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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when someone rings the doorbell
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I disagree with my politics
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.