I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.