Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

I feel it

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.