I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Unmatched
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Good dog. ❤️
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?