I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me