“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
You Might Also Like
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Still a very good boi….
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
What even happened today?
