Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Body by Oreos

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.