Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.