Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.