I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans