I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
