I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My dog after a walk in the woods.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!