I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
You Might Also Like
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”