Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
You Might Also Like
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
who wore it better?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”