I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.