I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
new wife guy just dropped
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.