Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

This is a genius move

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

#inspiration #foodforthought

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine