I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part