Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

some cats are just doing for fun!

Not all heroes wear capes.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Just parrot things

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind