@KimmyMonte

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

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@PaperWash

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

@IamEnidColeslaw

a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds

@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

@simoncholland

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

@hippieswordfish

the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs

@texasstalkermom

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.