I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
This is Sparta
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?