cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.