I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
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Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
what’s more important?
