I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?