“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Cats (2019)
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK