“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Why are bridges so flammable.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake