Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.