“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
You Might Also Like
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black