“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’m not sorry.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid