Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Truth

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]