I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You Might Also Like
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast