Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

😭

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

6: are snakes just neck?

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.