I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You Might Also Like
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”