I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
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I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?