Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
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My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.