When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
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Breaking news:
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*