I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I know karate and tons of other words.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.