I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“Dad, what did you love most about the halftime show?”
“Going to the bathroom.”
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.