Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.