someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
the icebreaker
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
ME (calling my horse with no name):
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard