Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.