Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Asking the real questions!

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

I’m already scared

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.