I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
You Might Also Like
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE