Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Just me and my debit card against the world

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him