I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
😲 WTF? 😆
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Is this you?