I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
You Might Also Like
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
2022 will be better than 2021
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️