I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Dolls on drugs
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.