I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials