‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Not today, today.
Not today.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.