‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
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“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
become ungovernable
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.