‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
You Might Also Like
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??