Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

Follow me for more life hacks.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.