me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”
You Might Also Like
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Babies cry so that we can remember where we left them.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.