I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

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me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old


When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.


[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]


Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.


How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it


Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it


I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.


No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.