I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
You Might Also Like
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.