I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
The French cow says MEUX…
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
How funny!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.