Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
good work, everybody
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect