I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
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NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
A family that plays together cheats.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.