I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
u spoke cat all this time??????
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it